A Series of Bollocks Events

A Series of Bollocks Events

Episode I

It all started when the shit came up through the floor.

It was the middle of summer.

At first there was a tiny patch that we all blamed on the dehumidifier from the seventies; it was probably an immigrant anyway. We shall call him Pedro. Anyway, Pedro got a kicking and shoved in the corner and the odorless wet patch faded into obscurity. It was nothing more than a brief annoyance to the few that trod in it whilst on a midnight trip to the toilet.

A few weeks later the patch came back, this time Pedro got off scot-free as he was still in the corner corralled by a pair of clotheshorses and looking glum, his faux wood weeping ever so slightly. We kicked him anyway and ignored the patch, assuming it would go away again in time.

Days turn into weeks and the patch is getting bigger, spreading through the beige carpet like the slow tide of piss leaking from a winobot. It was becoming a bit of an irritation, but the shit really hit the fan when the temperature went up above twenty degrees.

One day we came home and it was just a wall of stench.

The patch had grown to the size of a murder scene chalk outline and smelt like being buried alive in the center of a dump. That evening it had developed legs and walked out of the primordial soup, leaving a layer of goo everywhere too deep for sandals, but people who wear sandals deserve to live in a shitswamp, so that made no mind for us.

The problems really began when it decided the dark dank hall way wasn’t good enough for it, only then did it come for our rooms, creeping in during the night like a barefooted Savile, intent on lewd conduct with our carpets.

We rang the letting agents on Saturday morning. They didn’t seem to be in a hurry.

 

The temperature rose over the weekend to an obscene level and so did the shit.

That weekend we put the boards down and held our breath. No one had come for us; we were all alone with the creature from the shit lagoon.

It was like we were all Kevin Costner in Waterworld, but with shit and no ridiculous plot twist involving gills. That was only the beginning of our troubles.

 Stay tuned to find out what happens next.


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